My birthday is in a week. I do this every year... I hate it actually. I get depressed and instead of wanting to celebrate "me" I want to hide from the world.
I do not like getting older, I do not like looking back at opportunities that I missed and I despise saying things like "I should of done this or that..." I try my damnedest to live life forward, without looking back. Living with no regrets and with my head held high, but every year for this short stint of time when I know I am a year older closer to my grave I find myself thinking. Thinking about who I wanted to be, who I am today, contemplating if I really like "me," and what I am willing to do about it if I don't.
I saw someone's Facebook status this week and truly thought wow... this person is really thinking straight. It said something about trying to be positive and instead of thinking about all the things he or she didn't have they were going to commit themselves to being thankful for the things they do have... cliche? Or the honest root to happiness. I am very happy for all the things that I have in life... for my accomplishments that I take pride in... but I am also a dreamer, a wisher, and a very determined dival.
Last night on Grey's Karev kept calling Meredith a junky because she was so determined to get back into surgery... well me, I am what you would call a success junky. Self proclaimed of course... I thrive on it... I need it to feel alive and worthwhile, otherwise I feel useless and bored. My point is that I want to be happy and content with all that I have... but I also need to know that there is always something more out there to obtain... otherwise what the heck am I living for... the fun of it? Ohhhh if that were just the case, I'd live life on a beach if I could... but in our world 2010 we need money to survive and my second career choice as beach bum didn't pay so well.
Last year I turned 30... I was scared, sure... but I had just moved to my dreamland (FL) and was busy wrapped up in getting to know the land, the people, and my new job... this year things are different and I am actually getting to celebrate... that is... if I can get myself out of this god awful dumpy mood. So... October 1st which is today... I am starting a new diet, new workout, and new focus... I figure if I can make progress in the next 10 days (in time for my "Epic" birthday) then I can set a new goal for Thanksgiving... then Christmas... in no time, I should be feeling all sorts of young and sassy right? Or... is this just merely a birthday wish?
I think the goals are good and you should strive to accomplish them. Just don't put so much pressure on yourself. You're still young and full of life. Relax within yourself while continuing the forward movement. This harmony and balance should create the happiest Jennie ever. :-)
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