This is a new year...

I am going to start writing again in 2010. Hence the million posts below that are from previous posts... all from my dwindling Myspace page. In any event... time to start anew... with a new site... a new outlook on life ;o)

I hope you enjoy...

In the sun...

From 9/09

And so… for the last remaining few that are left here (on Myspace) some words:

In the time since I’ve last left a note much has happened in this grand ole adventure that I call my life. For one, I’m officially living my dream. I live in Orlando Florida. I know right… can you believe it! I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t seeking for some outlet to get me here. And yet, prior to just a few months ago, I can’t remember a time when I actually thought it would happen. In any event… it HAS happened and I am here. Waking to the sun on a daily basis is amazing, its 90 degrees at some point every day and despite being very homesick (who would have thunk it!) I am very happy and excited at the opportunity I’ve been given. With Universal Studios a mile from our condo and Walt Disney just down the road… who wouldn’t be happy right?

On to even better changes… I am getting married. No he’s not some crazy person, and NO I don’t think he’s lost his mind… what? I think I am perfectly suitable marriage material!!! (lol lol like that baby?)

Planning a wedding from a distance has not YET proved to be troublesome… I guess booking the ceremony and reception hall before we moved was a great idea ;o) As any sane bride to be, I am only freaking about the little details… you know such as… the dress (um I need to get on that…), time (christ! Only 10 months to go), gathering addresses (yes reader… I am probably still waiting on yours, get it to me), and of course making sure the day is perfect; it’s possible… I just know it!

In any event… we have a great support system at home and I know everything will be just right…

Also, I suppose I should probably acknowledge the fact that despite the deepest, darkest, dreariest day is ahead of me… (I’m turning 30 folks) I couldn’t be more excited for the future. Now I know that I am will be upset and live in denial for a while… (every women is entitled to make up her own age at this point)… but I can honestly say that the best days of my life… our life (his and mine) are ahead of us, and I can’t wait.

The adventure lives as long as I do… right?

Lucky!

From 4/09

Thank you BIGGBY
Current mood: artistic

I thought this was super cute... and so true!

I am lucky to have:

A wonderful family that always reminds me of where I came from and encourages me on my path forward.

Funny jokes to tell, even if I'm the only one that laughs at them.
A sister that has inherited our mother's cooking skills and is a fabulous cook! Yummy!!

Friends that, regardless of how often I see them, are like a comfortable pair of shoes; they always make me feel good.

Certain clothes that pick up my spirits if I'm having a bad day because I like how I feel in them.

Favorite songs that I listen to when the sun is out. I crank up the radio and sing (totally off key of course) and it enhances my mood immediately.

Books that I love to lose myself in and enjoy the endings over and over again.
Days of the year that make me happy - (my birthday of course!)

Wonderful memories that I share with my sister, friends or family when any of us needs to smile.

Times of the year that I love (yeah summer...and also fall!)

Movies that no matter how many times I've seen them, I will sit and watch them.

People in my life with children; children's laughter always brings a smile to my face.

Time for Tea

From 4/09

Tea Party & Political Confusions
Current mood: pleased
Category: News and Politics

I attended my first Tea Party today.

No, I didn’t sit around a table with women wearing hats and gloves sipping fine teas with cream… I actually went to our State Capitol to check out the scene and listen to every day Americans (I’ll get to this later) discuss the effects and concerns over recent government spending and of course… taxes.

I’ve never been affiliated with any party and have never really paid that much attention to who or what a democrat or republican were… let alone that there are variations to these parties and that some prefer to be associated with the terms of conservative and liberal…

I guess I’m more of an issues girl… sometimes I can be on one side of an issue and on others I’m on the opposite side… I’ve never weighed these sides and therefore never noticed whether I was more left or right… I’ve been so oblivious to party affiliations that I can’t even tell you for what party some of my very best friends are for…

I am getting to a point…

In any event, according to those groups organizing Tea Party’s across the United States today, “the mission of the Tax Day Tea Party protests are to send a message to Washington and elected officials. To make sure that decision-makers in Washington know that there is significant opposition to reckless tax and spending proposals. The purpose is to send a reminder that elected officials work for us. We hired them, and we can fire them.” (And I would like to include here that careful attention has been given to ensure that these Tea Party organizers have NO party affiliation… that they are simply every day American people seeking to retain our American rights.) And yet as I lay in bed last night, I heard Rachel Maddow from MSNBC (democratically affiliated) talking about these Tea Party’s but calling them… tea bagging… and mocking the efforts stating that nobody knows what the “conservatives are talking about… taxation maybe… spending… President Obamas birth certificate perhaps… it’s not totally clear.”

Hmmm… it took me two seconds to find the mission online Ms. Maddow and I guess I don’t really get what the big deal is… are you saying that your for unnecessary spending and higher taxes, I’m just trying to understand.

Cut to today… I am still learning... and I am sure by now most of you know that I am going to be spending the rest of my life with a die-hard democrat… TURNED conservative republican (ha almost had ya there huh…) so I suppose that it’s only natural that I start learning about this stuff called politics. I haven’t heard much about democrats… heard a lot about liberals, and have recently heard that “republicans are rich, arrogant bastards who aren't for higher taxes and bailouts because they're greedy and don’t think they should have to pay more...”

Well then, imagine my surprise when attending the Tea Party today. Here I was, dressed in business attire standing amidst conservatives and republicans whom were dressed in their tattered army uniforms, US Navy jackets, USMC hats, Michigan State sweatshirts, biker chaps, USA flags, farmer overalls, yellow hard hats, and workers boots… the kind my father wears… In fact, myself and Shaun were in the minority at this event dressed in button ups and dress slacks… from where I stood, I very well could have been the most wealthy person there and we all know THAT ISN’T true.

This rally was filled with every day regular people, families, vets, bikers, country folk, business men, business owners, kids, students, etc... not a single one of them looked rich.

After the event we went to grab a sandwich. We came back to the capitol after the crowd had died down to get a closer look at some of the tables that were set up and listen to the patriotic lyrics of Brooks & Dunn and Aaron Tippin. A family leaving the rally with their signs proclaiming “America the free” and “What about my children’s future” tucked into their child’s stroller glided past us on the side walk… the man took one look at Shaun and I and said… "and here come the liberals..."

Um… WHAT????

First of all, I don't claim to be liberal or conservative and Shaun is the most conservative person I know... so why on earth did WE get labeled... it was interesting and I guess my first real taste of how politics can make people view others... on either side… and here is my point… your political affiliations are not visible through your skin color, the cloths you wear, and or the money you make… It angers me that I am even stating this because whether or not I am a liberal or conservative does not mean that I should be judged as either because I wanted to check out a Tea Party that happened to be discussing issues that are important to me… to me as a tax payer, to me as a citizen of the United States.

My only regret today is that that man and his family left on those last words… “and here come the liberals…” when really they just pasted a fellow American and the greatest conservative I’ve ever known.

Plain clothes

From Jan 09

Quotes...
Current mood: cold
Category: Blogging

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

“Respect is love in plain clothes.”

"Don't make me get ethnic on you!"

Enlightened

From 1/09

Enlightenment

I fear death… I always have. I don’t know why, or
at least I didn’t until last night.

Watching Private Practice is not a weekly ritual for me. In fact, I think I’ve
caught the show four times in its two (or is it three) year run. In any
event there was a scene in the show last night that showed an old man on his
death bed. He wanted to die; he’d given up and wanted to be released from
whatever pain he was in. Two of the doctors on the show were with him, no one
else. Apparently they had assisted him in dieing; giving him some drug that
would allow him to slip away peacefully… a whole other topic
that I refuse to get into… (haha).

The drug was a slow release and as the man was dieing he had this great moment of clarity, for a single second he was vibrant again, full of life and he begins to speak to the doctors begging them to give him some acknowledgment… some hope that he was there… that he had existed… that he had once been a life, led a life of meaning.

One of the doctors grabbed the man and repeated over and over again “You were here… you were here… you were here… you were here…” In that second I got up and ran for a piece of paper so that I could write down my thoughts about that specific moment in time, when your soul is slipping and all you can do is pray that your life meant something... anything… to anyone… my mind was racing so fast with everything I wanted to put down on paper that my handwriting was unfamiliar and barely legible.

I wrote “you were here” 19 times before I could finally read it.

And it hit me… that is why I’m so afraid.

I’ve long since stopped wondering why I’m here… I’ve led a life that I’ve felt mostly proud of… rising over obstacles, defying odds… if you know me; you know what I’m saying… I just know that I have a purpose and that in time, I’ll learn what that is… hopefully… and if not, well then I guess I wasn’t meant to know. But, there several things I do know already… my drive, my need, my longing to succeed (which we all know can mean several things) has always been a defining factor of who I am. When someone’s asked, “what’s your bigges fear?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve answered with one word – failure.

And there it was on my TV screen last night… This fear of failure, and subsequently my fear of death, is simple and encompasses what I’m really fearful of… that when I am gone it will be as if I was never here.

Quotes

“Self-confidence is the honest-to-God belief that you can help someone learn. Arrogance is the honest-to-God belief that you have
nothing else to learn. Smugness is arrogance without the talent.”

“Humility leads to strength and not to weakness. It
is the highest form of self-respect to admit mistakes and to make amends for them.”

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.”

“Dream your dream. Follow your heart. Imagine. Listen to the wind. Drink sunsets. Be free. Let the wonder never cease. Believe. Wish on EVERY star. Create adventure. Be Kind.”

“If you're trying to achieve, there will be road blocks. I've had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.”

“We all get at least one good wish a year; over the
candles on our birthday. Some of us throw in more. On eyelashes, fountains, lucky stars, and every now and then, one of those wishes comes true. So what then? Is it is as good as we'd hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or, do we just notice we've got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished?”

Johnny and June

From Jan 09

Quotes

“Regrets… no there are no regrets; you can’t regret something that made you a better person.”

“One thought came to mind… how the hell am I going to get through this without my girls?”

“You’re totally a candy pusher!”

Lyrics

“I wanna hold you baby right or wrong
Build a world around a country song,
Pray a sweet prayer… Follow you there…
Down in history… Like Johnny and June.”

The wrong...

From xmas eve 08

I’m everyones wrong...
Current mood: artistic
Category: Blogging

I'm everyones wrong... to make everyones right.

The perfect mistake... Through me you'll find...

you're best friend.
you're happily ever after.
your're true love.
the perfect daughter.
the wonderful sister.
the one that stands by.

I'm a teacher, this i've learned.

My gift to you is this... keep me close cause i'll be there... Merry Christmas and happy new year!

Got a little cheesy BUT... i'm tipsy and came up with my great quote and couldn't let it pass me by!

Maybe

From 12/08

The happiness of life is made up of minute
fractions—the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind
look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the
countless other infinitesimals of pleasurable thought and warm feeling.

You know you’re worn out when you speak with your
father whom you haven’t spoken to in several months and the first thing
he says is... “You sound just exhausted.”

Maybe… We were supposed to
meet the wrong people before meeting the Right one so that, when we finally meet
the right person, we will know How to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe… When the door of
happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the
closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe… It is true that we
don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know
what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe… The brightest future
will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully
in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe… Giving someone all your
love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in
return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content
that it grew in yours.

Greetings

From 12/08

Saving a Hero
Current mood: adored
Category: Blogging

Lyrics

Save the Hero

I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I'm not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I'm left with no shoulder
But everyone wants to lean on me.
I guess I'm their soldier.
Well, who's gonna be mine

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I'm living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you're beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
With eyes lead to a pot of gold.

I've given too much of myself
And now it's driving me crazy
I'm crying out for help
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me...
Save me from myself

Who's there to save the hero
When she's left all alone
And she's crying out for help
Who's there to save the hero
Who's there to save the girl
After she saves the world...
After she saves the world.

Seasons Greetings...

Happy holidays and peace on earth to someone whose talent for vicious gossip has made my life all the richer.

I love it when he screams "Oh my darlin', I LOVE YOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!

In my opinion it is the sickest, nastiest groove I've ever heard. If you can't conceive a child to that, you're hopeless.

Diva

From 12/08

Lyrics

Diva One
"There are only two types of people in the world:
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe…
N baby, I'm a put on a show kind of girl."

Diva Two
"Remember those walls I built
Well baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now…

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again."

Quotes

"Take all the rules away… how can we live if we don't change."

"You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare."

"Dude… your dead to him."

"The display was like a trough, you were a pig and you disgust me."

"I'm kinda like the character in Sweet November… I may not have much time… but I was born to change lives."

Inspiration

From 12/12/08

.. was sent to me via email... from someone whom I perseve as an inspiration to me, which is ironic as this is what she had to say to me...

"I woke to this quote this morning, and you were the first person I thought of... you've always done everything to live life as it was glorious, despite what was handed to you... and for that, you've always been an inspiration to me."

"Character is the total of thousands of small daily strivings to live up to the best that is in us."

—A. G. Trudeau (1903-1991); former General of the US Army

N that folks... set the tone to my day. Thank you Pammy... I can't wait to see you tommorrow n give you the biggest hug ever... love always. - J

The trip

from 12/5/08

Road Trip Quotes
Current mood: amused
Category: Blogging

These are random... you'll never understand em unless you were there... but you'll at least, in part get a laugh outta them!

Day One
"Oh, it's gonna be one of thoooose nights." - "This is Jen, it's always that kinda night!"
"U know it's the malaria shit when your sweating, hot and getting the chills at the same time!"

Would You Rather Game
"I'd have bitch tits."
"Flavored ass."
"I would rather lick a cats ass."
"I've never heard of a testicle referred to as a bat wing."
"You'd fucking rub your dick skin off!"

Day Three
"Tomorrow is another day when I get to make history."
"I'd meet you in the middle of nowhere for one of your kisses."
"I'm not proud of you! I'm actually kinda discusted. I don't think I could have eaten that much food and I'm a big eater!"

Day Four
"I can't believe you even stepped in this ring son!"
"Sometimes life passes you by when your busy making plans."

Day Five - Marta's Birthday
"Do you wanna pay $5 to see a flounder?"
"She licked hers before I licked mine."
"I'm hiring from executive assistants all the way up to a receptionist."
"The mile high club is not something you turn down!"

Today's quotes!

From 12/4/08

Today’s Quotes!
Current mood: animated
Category: Blogging

"Besides, I'm kinda super."

"There are only two kinds of guys out there. Ones that can hang with me and ones that are scared."

"Spray mount and sparkles dude, spray mount and sparkles."

"Wanna trade?"

"Didn't anyone tell you you're supposed to break my heart? I expect you too."

Bye

From 11/21/09

Quote of the Day

I think we dream just so we don't have to be apart…

Traveling

I was blessed to have met people that have taken me all over the world. Through-out high school and well into college I was always the "free bird"… traveling here, day trip there… I've been everywhere, and seen things that some only ever dream of. Yes, my life was filled with new destinations, new people and many adventures.

And then I got old…

Okay, maybe old isn't the right word… I got older, and life changed… work, life, love, my family… those things became who I was, what I needed to take care of. In any event this one time girl who has found herself in a single month gone every weekend to a different state… well she turned into a women and my beloved trips have become few and far between.

So with that in mind and LOTS of vacation days to use up… I'm leaving… Miss Britney and I are packing up the car and going for a little road trip. It's been a while since I've had the liberating highway at my fingertips, the open road to roam and no particular time line to depict my every move… oh and yes, if you've ever been in the car with me you know just how much fun this shall be… me, the road, my abundance of CD's and my best girl by my side… trouble at it's best.

I will not be around for the usual this year… the biggest bar night of the year… which we all know I tend to put on the rock star crown for… Thanksgiving or all the fun to be had shopping at 4 a.m. the day after. So I just want to say that I do hope you all have a wonderful Turkey day with your family's and know that I will be thinking about how thankful I am to have an opportunity like this and friends like you to tell my stories too ;o)

Love you all… I'll be sure to take lots of pictures… this is Britney's first big trip after all!

Oh and don't worry… I am going to be just fine.

Wisdom

How we ought to live:
Be calm…quiet… tranquil.
Bloom as often as you can.
Stay close to your family.
Explore the world around you.
Enjoy the relaxing rhythms of waves.
Watch the moon rise.
Spread your wings and take off on your own.
Then enjoy the comfort of coming home again.

conversations

From 11/20/08

Words of Wisdom

Most guys are willing to put up with a pain-in-the-ass chick as long as she's a spinner, but as the old saying goes, for every pain-in-the-ass hot chick out there, there's at least one guy who got tired of banging her.

A conversation of besties:

JJ: "If you loved it so much… get to work."

Bestie: "No, not with that attitude I won't.

JJ: "Dude… WAB (wise ass bitch) hello…. I AM attitude. If you didn't like it you shouldn't have become one of my besties!!!

Bestie: "Hey! You made me one of your besties! It's not like I filled out an application for it! Just for that, I want my bagel back."

JJ: "I filled out the application for you based on a series of events… and answers to questions that you didn't really know I was asking. You almost failed based on your absence at two of the last concerts… but I let that shit slide. Your bagel is gone dude and it tasted good!"

Bestie: This is total bullshit! This is the greatest travesty in the history of the entire western world!

From where I stand

From 11/19/08

You know you're the shit when people you don't know hate you.

Don't let the pretty face fool you I roll like a boss.

I'll never try to fit in, I was born to stand out

Welcome to the show… I'm the main attraction

Lyrics
She wants to wear my shirt to bed
She wants to make every stray a pet
N' Drive around in my truck with no place to go

But she needs to feel that fire
The one that lets her know for sure
She's everything I want and more
Her real desire, is to know I'd walk alone out on the wire
To make her feel that fire

She wants a cabin in the woods
She wants to stand where nobody stood
And someday she wants a couple kids of her own
She wants to make love on a train
And somedays she only wants a break
Hey but she wants what she wants, but man I know I know I know

Intoxable

From 11/17/08

Quotes

"Love doesn't make the world go round folks… but it is what makes it one hell of a ride."

"Well if nothing else today was snacktastic."

"A person without love is not alive… and you my dear are full of life and just as alive as anyone can be."

"What a thing to be congratulatory about!"

"So frustrating, so intoxable."

Lyrics

"…because these things will change, can you feel it now… these walls they put up to hold us back will fall down, it's a revolution… the time will come for us to finally win."

"… this one is my favorite one, this is me and grandma in the summer sun, all dressed up, the day we said our vows. You can't tell it here but it was hot that June and those roses are red and her eyes are blue, and just look at that smile… I was so proud. That's the story of my life, right there in black and white…"

Bring it on!

From 11/12/08

Bring it On!
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Blogging

Quotes

Seriously… "dinning room" made it to Lansing?

Pigs are magical.

Not nuts, perfectly brilliant.

Notes
I got accepted guys and gals!!! Masters here I come!!!

Conversations

… It is there that I discovered that I was crying in my sleep. It was then that I realized that the effects of a broken heart are far more powerful then even the mind can control…

My sisters perception

From 11/7/08

My sister’s perception...
Category: Blogging

My Sister's Perception:

Where did we meet? At LCC's newspaper.

Take a stab at my middle name? Jay

Do I smoke? Like a chimney.

Color of my eyes? Blue

Do I have any siblings? What year is it, back in like 1990, you had two; fast forward to 1998 you got three more, but then two years ago you lost one brother as a brother... so let me think… who cares, the only thing that matters is that you love me more than any other sibling!

What's one of my favorite things to do? Make out with Britney.

What's my favorite type of music? You like everything from country to classical your favorite right now is Luke Bryan.

Am I shy or outgoing? Outgoing, you will let anyone become your new best friend.

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules? You like to follow the rules as you see fit, if they don't apply to you, then you say F- it and you do what you want to do.

Any special talents? You can dance on bars like no other person well, besides the girls in Vegas.

How many children do I have? One - but she's really hairy.

What is my Fav color? Pink

What zodiac sign I am? Libra, holla to all other Libras, mainly me!

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one thing that I would bring? Justin Timberlake so he couldn't get away from you and you could smell him all you want!

Stole my world

From 8/08

Lyrics
Current mood: angsty
Category: Music

Lyrics

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely
We'll send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

But It's not so bad..
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

DB

From 8/08

Weekly Lessons
Current mood: jubilant
Category: Blogging

Lyrics

Your fingertips across my skin…
The palm trees swaying in the wind
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Quotes

"Maybe you should use your mouth"

"I know you like DB but try 'Rough Ryda' on for size"

Thoughts

You will never love anyone like you loved him because there is no other him. And more importantly, you are never gonna be the same person after loving him.

They change you, and you have to try to remember to leave with the good things, not the bad.

What i've learned

From 9/4/08

Lessons Learned
Current mood: cold
Category: Blogging

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take it's place!

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Perception

From 10/7/08

Quotes

Perception equals reality. What we see out there in the world is merely a reflection of what's inside.

Sweet are the uses of adversity.

People of the past were too busy dealing with the basics of life and death to obsess over trivial things.

Email allows us to send rumors around the world.

In absence of feedback we make up our own version of reality.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

Beauty

From 10/17/08

Day Seven
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Blogging

I spent last night with my family. Gosh... and how family can mean so many things. Last weekend was both mine and my sisters birthdays... well not biological sister... but my adoptive sister... in honor of our special days Mom, Dad, Jim and Betty decided to make a very special dinner for us... complete with my favorite... Betty's homemade carrot cake.

I don't know how old Jim and Betty are... but they've become a very special part of my extention of family... I walked into their home and was quickly taken back to grandma and grandpas. The walls were lined with photos... photos from today... photos from yesterday.

I love photos. I love how they make you feel, when just looking at them you can think of exactly how you felt in that moment... that moment captured by a flashing light... and here they were... the 20's, the 30's, the 50's... perfectly placed on the walls telling a story... their story.

The smell of a home cooked meal and the music from World War II (which by the way I just have to have!!!) playing in the background... it was all perferct. As we sat around the dinner table with the music playing in the background I watched Jim and Betty, I watched mom and dad... two totally different love storys... two totally different worlds that had been somehow thrown together... being me... I got all nostolgic and started asking questions about the photos. When were they taken, where were they... the storys told... the adventures had... it made me smile, it gave me hope...

Anyways... I felt like writing today... I need to write more... the moments spent with them took me back to when I was a child being with my own grandparents... listening to them bicker, sharing morning coffee... making bananna bread or canning pickles... moments that I can't get back but can remember... times when I was innocent and dreaming of that kinda love, the kind that never goes away.

And I guess thats the point of this... i'm holding on to those... those moments that make me smile... the ones that take my breath away... i'm holding on to the faith that in the end... love prevails, life is strong and that what is meant to be... will never be wrong.

I can do this!

From 11/1/09

Day 10
Current mood: anxious
Category: Blogging

I don't know what happened to me on Monday but it was if someone came along and gave me the shaking I've needed for so long.

Off to the office Monday morning and while I was sitting there… thinking of all the things that I'd rather be doing on a Monday morning… I decided to revisit the crazy idea of going back to school. I've thought about it much over the past year… when I got my Bachelor's I told my self I could have a year to play… but then after that, it was back to the grind.

Well clearly that didn't happen… I found new things in life to make me feel complete, suddenly success wasn't about the job I had or how many degrees I could tackle… it was finding love, being in love. Well anyways, without all that to focus on… I decided that the gig was up and that I was going back to school and getting it taken care of…

In one day, I wrote an essay, got my transcripts, filled out my application, called the necessary teachers for referrals, doctored my resume and sealed it all in envelope and sent it away. A Masters of Science… yeah… can you believe it… ME possibly walking away with a Masters of Science… don't worry it still has everything to do with Marketing and Communications, I wouldn't walk away from either of those… they are my passion. So now I am just waiting, I'm hoping that I get in… I'm not looking forward to the work of course… who does; but if there is anything I've learned in life it's that going to school, being successful, obtaining goals that I can control… they seem to be the only thing I am good at.

So keep your fingers crossed for me, I need this… something that gives me the tiniest bit of dignity… something that I can want, desire, something that won't deny me… I really need this.

So it goes...

From 11/4/08

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Attitude adjustment

From 11/5/08

The beat rolls on...
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Blogging

Stuff...

Someone told me I was neurotic and needed an attitude adjustment today.

Lyrics...

Loves Looking for You

Maybe you're just jaded from some nobody's unforgotten words
Maybe you're just faded, a little gray from every time that you've been hurt
So you're lookin for your skin that you never did fit in
You can't hide when you're turned inside out

Maybe you been burnin' but you can't blow out a flame that you can't find
Maybe you've been thirsty but the rain just aint enough when you're this dry
So you're runnin' from the water and the fire's getting hotter
I think you better find some lever ground

Maybe you been wearing the shoes that someone else is wearing now
Maybe you've been swearing forever might have already run out
You can't love yourself at the expense of someone else
You can't hide a liar from the truth

Love is lookin' for you

I Probably Wouldn't be this Way

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh you left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Brilliance

From 8/3/08

Quotes

I have flashes of qhetto brilliance.
Once upon a time was a long time ago.
Don't waste a white man.

Conversations

"Don't touch the stanley cup"
"What if you sleeping with one of the players... then can you touch the cup?"
"Your only allowed to touch it if you were on the ice... wearing a jersey... now if you WERE on the ice wearing a jersey during that... then maybe you could touch the cup... but we'd really need to discuss this a little further..."

Lyrics.. and yeah NOW this ONE is for you...

"All the things I felt and never shared.
All the times she was lonely with me there.
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes, and how I let her go without a fight.

There's no changing things that we regret, the best that we can hope for is one more chance.
If the hands of time could just move in reverse, I wouldn't make the same mistake again with her.

The reasons I'm alone I know by heart, but I don't wanna spend forever in the dark. I swear next time Ill hang on for dear life. If love ever gives me another try.

Oh if love ever gives me another try."

So betty...

From 8/2/09

"You are so Betty..."

"You have a unique smile... it's like a lemonhead smile."

"There is much to be said about finding ones self. In the search you can only wonder how you got so lost."

Suppose...

From 8/2/08

Quotes n Stuff

Love is giving someone the power to break your heart but trusting them not too

You are a little more than what I call amazing

Keep your expectations low, your hopes high, your drinks full and your true friends by your side

Lyrics

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall

Back when...

From 8/2/08

Daily Stuff
Current mood: blah
Category: Blogging

Thoughts

"Back when I was an us… I didn't have to worry. Somehow being in love meant that the rest of the world would just fall into place… now, I could give a shit about the world… I just wonder if I'll ever find my place in it again…"

"The hatred has set in these days; which is good… but it's only because I hate that I can't forget him… I hate that when I go away for weekends like this past one… I can't help but to remember where we were last year… I hate running into his friends who tell me they miss me… I hate coming across photos… I hate that there is this stupid voicemail that I can't seem to erase… I hate the little things… the big things… an every fucking thing in between."

Quotes

"Aren't you grateful that our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real?"

"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever."

"Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

"Sometimes you got to lose yourself before you can find anything."

Undateable

From 8/1/08

Lyrics
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Quotes
"Tonight is a perfect night to troll the city for undateable alcoholics"

This summer

From 8/1/08

Lyrics
You are my heart, you are my soul
Wherever you are that where I go
You know my ins and outs
All of my fears and doubts
Its the life I love
But its you I cant live without

Quotes
"I wanna be your little rock n roll."

"My true love is out there somewhere and they can go fuck themselves."

"This summer, this one right here, officially gets the seal of "bullshit"… total bullshit."

Rehab

From 7/31/08

Dailies
Current mood: busy

Lyrics

Pride can stand a thousand trials, the strong will never fall.
But watching stars without you, my soul cried.
Heaving heart is full of pain, oh, oh, the aching.
'Cause I'm kissing you, oh. I'm kissing you, oh.
Touch me deep, pure and true, gift to me forever.
'Cause I'm kissing you, oh. I'm kissing you, oh.
Where are you now?

Quotes

"We're total fucking bad asses"
"Someday we should go to rehab together"
"I wanna be loved for who I am on stage"
"I'll be publicly sobbing for the next few weeks"

Just words...

From 7/26/08

Today’s stuff...
Current mood: focused
Category: Blogging

Words

Even when I am through, I'm not over you.

There is no end to the misery.

I can't believe that I was so dumb… blind… and jaded.

I literally woke with a strange dog in bed with me… and I don't mean dog as in dude… I mean seriously it was a beagle!

Forever your eyes will hold the memory.

Lyrics

"So do you believe me now? I guess I really wasn't that crazy, and I knew what I was talking about. Every time the sun goes down she's the one that's holding you baby… yeah me I'm missing you way across town… so do you believe me now?"

I believe

7/24/08

believe ... That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't
love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do
love each other.
 
I believe... That we don't have to change friends if we understand that
friends change.
 
I believe ... That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you
every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
 
I Believe... That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest
distance. Same goes for true love.
 
I believe... That you can do something in an instant that will give you
heartache for life.
 
I believe... That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to
be.
 
I believe... That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It
may be the last time you see them.
 
I believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
 
I believe... That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
 
I believe... That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
 
I believe ... That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it
needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
 
I believe.... That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
 
I believe ... That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have
the best time.
 
I believe..... That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're
down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
 
I believe... That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences
you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
 
I believe... That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others sometimes
you have to learn to forgive yourself.
 
I believe... That our background and circumstances may have influenced who
we are, but we are responsible for whom we become.
 
I Believe... That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could
change your life forever.
 
I believe... Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something
totally different.
 
I Believe... That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people
who don't even know you.
 
I believe... That even when you think you have no more to give, when a
friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
 
I believe... That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human
being.
 
I believe... That the people you care about most in life are taken from you
too soon.

Challenge

7/21/08

Your soul needs to play.

Play like there are three seconds left on the clock from the first buzzer.

Explore under rocks in your backyard, or a new island in Indonesia.

Be forever curious for the fun of it.

Enjoy the spoils that your work produces. It reminds you what you are fighting for.

Regimented practice may make you technically proficient, but wouldn't you rather have fun?

If you aren't having fun or if you are doing it for someone else, it isn't worth it.

Allow yourself to fall into the nuance; dig so deep that you become a pioneer.

Give time to yourself and what you love to do.

Your life's purpose is not to get to the end with a body worthy of resale.

Do something purely because you have fun doing it.

Quotes:

"Screw you guys… I'm gonna go and make up some more words."

"That was the worst prank ever!"

"Don't worry; I plan on being around to remind you of your real age."

"Is that a challenge?"

Pain

From 7/20/08

Tired
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Writing and Poetry

I am tired of all this hurt and pain,
I am tired of all the miserable rain.

I wish these eyes would stop shedding tears,
but it's just so hard without you here.

I can't seem to get you out of my head,
and I long to hide from the words you said.

I miss your kisses and long for your touch,
my god I fucking love you so much.

I never expected that this is what life would be,
that there wouldn't be an us... a you and me.

How did you do it... you made me fall,
then you went off and built up your own wall.

You were my strength, my heart and soul,
now every day I live not being whole.

I don't want to do this, I don't want to cry,
I still can't believe that this is goodbye.

Whole again...

From 7/19/08

A daily thought...
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

I believe there is one person out there for everyone.

One person who fits so perfectly into the palm of your hand it's as if you were each molded to fit together as a puzzle. One person who on such amazing levels knows how you're feeling from a simple look, touch, even twitch. That same person can make the rest of the world disappear when you're together. And they are also the one person that ruins it for the rest, because they are the only person that makes you whole… My person died... or at least that part of him did.

So when you ask me why I still shed tears, why it's still hard to make it through a day… remember that no matter who else is out there... I'll never be whole again.

Stuff

From 7/19/08

Quotes n stuff...
Current mood: calm
Category: Blogging

"Jennie J... you were so cute with all your men last night!"

"I have no shame in taking your left overs!"

"What the hell... these dudes are like fallin in love with you in one week... what do you have beer flavored nipples!"

"No honey... that wasn't heartbreak, what happend to you and the tears you cried... there is no word for that. Heartbreak hurts... but this, this took a part of you that I can only hope one day you'll get back."

"Seriously, all this prayin still isn't working."

In my dreams

From 7/18/08

There was a time some time ago
When every sunrise meant a sunny day,
But now when the morning light shines in
It only disturbs the dreamland where I lay,
I used to thank the lord when I'd wake
For life and love and the golden sky above me
But now I pray the stars will go on shinin', you see in my dreams you love me.

Daybreak is a joyful time
Just listen to the songbird harmonies,
But I wish the dawn would never come
I wish there was silence in the trees,
If only I could stay asleep, at least I could pretend you're thinkin' of me
'Cause nighttime is the one time I am happy, you see in my dreams you love me.