Enlightened

From 1/09

Enlightenment

I fear death… I always have. I don’t know why, or
at least I didn’t until last night.

Watching Private Practice is not a weekly ritual for me. In fact, I think I’ve
caught the show four times in its two (or is it three) year run. In any
event there was a scene in the show last night that showed an old man on his
death bed. He wanted to die; he’d given up and wanted to be released from
whatever pain he was in. Two of the doctors on the show were with him, no one
else. Apparently they had assisted him in dieing; giving him some drug that
would allow him to slip away peacefully… a whole other topic
that I refuse to get into… (haha).

The drug was a slow release and as the man was dieing he had this great moment of clarity, for a single second he was vibrant again, full of life and he begins to speak to the doctors begging them to give him some acknowledgment… some hope that he was there… that he had existed… that he had once been a life, led a life of meaning.

One of the doctors grabbed the man and repeated over and over again “You were here… you were here… you were here… you were here…” In that second I got up and ran for a piece of paper so that I could write down my thoughts about that specific moment in time, when your soul is slipping and all you can do is pray that your life meant something... anything… to anyone… my mind was racing so fast with everything I wanted to put down on paper that my handwriting was unfamiliar and barely legible.

I wrote “you were here” 19 times before I could finally read it.

And it hit me… that is why I’m so afraid.

I’ve long since stopped wondering why I’m here… I’ve led a life that I’ve felt mostly proud of… rising over obstacles, defying odds… if you know me; you know what I’m saying… I just know that I have a purpose and that in time, I’ll learn what that is… hopefully… and if not, well then I guess I wasn’t meant to know. But, there several things I do know already… my drive, my need, my longing to succeed (which we all know can mean several things) has always been a defining factor of who I am. When someone’s asked, “what’s your bigges fear?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve answered with one word – failure.

And there it was on my TV screen last night… This fear of failure, and subsequently my fear of death, is simple and encompasses what I’m really fearful of… that when I am gone it will be as if I was never here.

Quotes

“Self-confidence is the honest-to-God belief that you can help someone learn. Arrogance is the honest-to-God belief that you have
nothing else to learn. Smugness is arrogance without the talent.”

“Humility leads to strength and not to weakness. It
is the highest form of self-respect to admit mistakes and to make amends for them.”

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.”

“Dream your dream. Follow your heart. Imagine. Listen to the wind. Drink sunsets. Be free. Let the wonder never cease. Believe. Wish on EVERY star. Create adventure. Be Kind.”

“If you're trying to achieve, there will be road blocks. I've had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.”

“We all get at least one good wish a year; over the
candles on our birthday. Some of us throw in more. On eyelashes, fountains, lucky stars, and every now and then, one of those wishes comes true. So what then? Is it is as good as we'd hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or, do we just notice we've got a long list of other wishes waiting to be wished?”