The Letter...

Thoughts from January 9, 2007

I am posting this...

I am sure that it will cause some type of controversy as much of what I say or write usually does... but I don't care, I have found it to be one of the most inspirational and liberating responses I have ever made...

"Being IN love and loving someone are two different things, let me first say this.

I am sorry that you refuse to see that I WILL NOT spend my life struggling to get by while my husband sits on a couch, drinks beer and gambles his money away, as you have. I did not just spend the last 9 years putting myself through a private university so that I could not live my dreams and be the success that I know I can be.

You are right; there are greater things in the world than material things... and I will stress that once again this isn't about material things. It's about me getting to travel the world with my man by my side, it's about me continuing my education and knowing he is growing too, it's about going on adventures and having intellectual conversations, and most importantly it's about me not continuing to allow people to make me feel like they are MY responsibility. At 27 years old I have already led a child (my brother) and my mother to believe that their worlds are not complete without me holding their hands. For once I want someone to lead me, to teach me something.

We are best friends and I do love him dearly... now I can forget about my dreams today... I can say fine... I'll comprimise once again... I'll give up on that big job in NY City... or the thoughts of getting my Masters Degree from Harvard... yeah I can do all of that... and then in one or two or even ten years, one thing will remain the same.... I will never know what I could have been, I'll always wonder, what if. And my fear is... that I will hate him and quite frankly I have grown much to fond of him to hate him.

It saddens me that in all of your messages you never say that you wish for me to be happy, because that in itself is all I am asking to be."

This is a response to a message from family that refuses to see my struggle, a stuggle that yes is inside myself and one that only I can find the answers too... their struggle in life has left them jaded and somehow forced them to believe that it's okay for their life to be passed by for the sake of making others happy. And I, am not ready to let that happen.