I have said that I am going to do many things in this world, but the one thing I always dreamed... and never thought would happen, is carrying a child.
It's an odd thing. To be so sure you were destined to be great at something, but never actually feeling it would happen. To see yourself doing all the actions but never seeing how you got there. For me, being a mom was inevitable. Anyone could see it... from my love and care for my little girls Britney and Paisley (who yes, are dogs). To the love and overwhelming sense of responsibility I've had with so many children in my life. Children who do not "belong" to me but have become such amazing gifts in my life... and I am happy to call my family. You see I always knew I would be a mom. Whether it be to dog or child, but I never saw my self having a child that was a flesh and blood piece of me. I never thought I'd feel life within me or that I would get to fully understand the joy (and pain) of pregnancy and childbirth.
When I started experiencing female problems in 2008 it was both sad and awakening to realize that this feeling I've had my whole life was true. I didn't want it to be true of course, but it taught me again just how in tune I was with myself, my body, my feelings, my person. My husband and I knew we wanted children so earlier this year we decided to investigate exactly what our options were. We were referred to the Center for Reproductive Medicine (CRM) in Orlando, FL and went to our first visit in May. Here we discovered that not only were there issues with me but there were issues with him. They wanted to run tests to understand what our actual odds were. Determine if we could conceive, if I could carry, etc.
The first round of tests were to start with me, but we had to wait until I had a full female cycle, this complicated things because there was nothing normal about my cycle and determining when that may or may not happen would be a challenge. In fact, it had been two months since my last... so testing became a waiting game. By the end of June we were getting discouraged and angsty. And then... I got sick.
I'll never forget that weekend... I had been feeling sick all week when suddenly on Saturday morning I threw up. Not something I ever do... I texted Shaun who was out at the time and just said "buy a test". We knew it was a long shot, especially after everything we had just been told at the CRM, but there was no other explanation to why I was getting sick. Those two little lines came up so fast... there was no waiting 2 minutes for results... there was no setting the test down to develop... they were there.
I think it was two seconds before I saw the lines and started running to the living room where Shaun was watching TV. I set the test in front of him and literally said "What the fuck is that!?" He jumped up and we just hugged.... I cried and got spastic of course and he didn't really have words. When did this happen? How could it have happened? OMG I had drank alcohol... our minds raced with questions. We set up a doctor's appointment at the CRM for blood work that Monday and by Tuesday they were calling me into the office for an ultrasound to confirm. "Wow, your really pregnant," they said. 7 weeks and 4 days pregnant to be exact. I was two months pregnant already and never knew it... and neither did they, despite previous ultrasounds, etc.
I'll never forget those early days. I'll never forget my reaction or the sheer shock of how we defied the odds. This entire process has given me such a profound understanding about how nothing in this world is completely within our control. How in one second everything you thought to be true, can be proven false. It has been amazing and unbelievably exciting... Today I am exactly 6 months along and things are perfect. Her name is Aubreanna Nichole. We simply can't wait to see her little face in just a few short months... and I can't wait to share with her one day the story of her... our little miracle.
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